my words, thoughts, feelings -- my life is a tumblelog.

Ownership..

Ok so my hair is his hair, my lips is his lips, my ass is his ass, my pussy is his pussy, and I guess my finger is his finger too… So he claims me because I’m his property..

When I can’t even call His lips, his ass, and his dick mine.

Shit I’m not even sure if his finger is my finger.

How fair is that?

How the fuck does this shit even add up at all?

It doesn’t really it doesn’t fucking add up! Someone please explain.

Have a good life, “i guess” (revised)

We started off as friends

talking on the phone for hours and hours everyday before we met
learned about each other
grew to be fond of one another
went through tough times

with being able to see each other and having our families to except us being together
dealt with dramas and dramas
we both had our own share of ups and downs
but we stuck together through it all
managed to keep the love alive when we were 3 hours apart
it worked out when we were 6 hours apart too
but all of the sudden things just went wrong
secrets and lies were all the reasons
i forgave you thinking you will change

i guess it was more me trusting you that you are being honest because of how much I love you.
the more protective i got with you the further you grew away from me
space is what you asked for
thats what i did
sending you text messages like
“good morning”, “have a great day”, “i miss you”, and “i love you”
patiently waiting day after day
then week after week
not a single call
the more i wait
i started to realize that you really grew further and further away
not knowing how to fix something that was never meant to be fixed
i just sat on my bed wondering “why me?”
i thought i was done with it all
but here i am doing it again
finally receiving a message from you
telling me that you dont have feeling for me anymore
but you still “love” me but not as before

I remember you telling me this recently and i just didn’t know what to say
telling me that “we need some space and talk to me in a few days”
not wanting to talk to me because you were not in the mood

this attitude sounds too familiar
seems as if you were saying your last words
“have a good life. i have nothing else to say so goodbye”
i just sat here still amazed with all that you have said
never really pictured all this to end in a text message
i just looked stunned and shocked at my phone
as i say, “have a good life i guess”

my words.. my feelings.. my tears (revised)

So i sit just thinking and thats pretty much all i have been doing is thinking… THINKING why am i so scared?
THINKING why am i so nice?

THINKING why am i so in love?

THINKING why do i care so much?

THINKING why does this have to happen to me?
THINKING why do i let people walk all over me?
THINKING why do i care so much about how people think of me?
THINKING why am i not making my dreams come true?
THINKING why dont i have a really really close friend that i see in person that i can run to and cry to?
THINKING why do i feel like i’m all alone when i have to deal with all of this?
THINKING when will i ever have enough courage to do what i want?
THINKING if only … yes if only i had the courage to do it before i wouldn’t be in this situation..

I’m through feeling the way i’m feeling…
I’m done with all this heartache

i’m done crying night after night
i’m done with all this pain
i’m done with these tears
i’m done waiting for someone that only goes for how a person looks NOT what they have to offer
i’m done trying to please someone that acts like they give a damn
i’m done trying to be perfect for everyone
i’m done laying in bed every night just wondering what could be or what would be
i’m just at the point of being done with all of this…

the only thing i can offer is ME.. and only me.. nothing else…
i can offer a shoulder to lean on when you are going through hard times…
i can offer love and affection no matter how many fights we might encounter..
i can offer laughter no matter how corny my jokes may be…
i can offer you happiness if that is what you desire…
i can offer a hand when you are down…
i can offer my ears to listen when you share all your pain….
i can offer you my heart and soul—to love and cherish…
i can offer you smiles and kisses to enjoy everyday we are together…
I can offer my whole world without any hesitation..

i can offer my heart in an instant just as long as you know how to treat it..

i can offer you motivation to do better in your life..

i can offer a better future thats only if you want it..
but now i’m left here with my words, my feelings and my tears…

just wondering what I did wrong or what I did not do to make you happy.

(I wrote that 3 years ago aug/sept. 2007 revised it a few days ago)

I’m just left with wishes

Since you put this ring on my finger I know “This is Forever”

Every single kiss I know “It was ONLY for me”

Every single hug I know “He is my protector”

Every single laugh I know “He thinks I was corny”

Every single call I know “He is checking if i’m ok”

Every single smile that comes across your face I know “He enjoys being with me”

Every single time we hold hands I know “He really cares”

Every time you say ‘I Love You’ I know “He wouldn’t do anything to hurt me”

But as I look back all my knows they manage to have diseappeared and I am left with just wishes

Since you put this ring on my finger I wish “This is Forever”

Every single kiss I wish “It was ONLY for me”

Every single hug I wish “He is my protector”

Every single laugh I wish “He thinks I was corny”

Every single call I wish “He is checking if i’m ok”

Every single smile that comes across your face I wish “He enjoys being with me”

Every single time we hold hands I wish “He really cares”

Every time you say ‘I Love You’ I wish “He wouldn’t do anything to hurt me”

Letter #2

I sit here just wondering why once again am I doing this?

Why am I putting up with your bullshit?

Why can’t I seem to shake off all these feelings I have for you?

With the actions you have been showing lately

You really do not deserve me at all

Not any part of me

Not my heart, not my soul, not my patience, not even my love

Because all you are doing is stepping all over everything I have offered

I have tried and tried but I’m really exhausted and done

I don’t want to cry a single tear for you anymore

But I seem it is easier said then done

My body has been telling me lately you are not worth fighting for

While my heart seems to clench on to something I can’t seem to make sense of

It can’t be love because I’m not seeing that at your end

I just don’t know at this point

You really don’t leave me any good reasons to make this work at all 

It’s one of those rare moments I might just have to throw my hands up and say “fuck it.. you don’t give a damn about my feelings so FUCK YOU!”

Letter #1

I just want to know what have I done to you to deserve all this pain?

Do you enjoy seeing me in pain? Seeing me cry tears after tears?

With your no care in the world look across your fucking face?

What do I need to do?

Cause at this point you are not making anything clear to me

You just have me walking around with a fake smile acting as if our life together is great

But in reality it is just crumbling down in front of my eyes

How many times do you expect me to give my heart until you understand what you mean to me?

A heart can only take so much pain until it gives out

So why does it have to be my heart?

Day by day I try my hardest to not to give a damn

When I wake up in don’t want to be thinking about you

When I go to bed in don’t want you in my head at all

All you are doing is causing me pain everyday

Because I know what you are doing

You don’t give a fuck

Why should i?

 You really are not good for me

All I can say right now is you are a parasite that is killing me slowly

:(

same crossroad

I realized that i’m at the same crossroad that I have been through exactly 3 years ago.

The same words..

the same emotions..

the same heartache..

the same situation.. 

the same questions..

the same excuses..

the same offers..

the same person..

and the same tears..

I’m exhausted with all this. =\